


swinging around the universe

by 2kids



Category: WAYV
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Family Fluff, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Single Dad Winwin, aka kunten are a married couple and chenle is their baby son, first chapter kunten focus, renjun is his son, second chapter xiaoyang focus, yangyang has a crush on dejun but he won't admit it because he can't accept his sexuality: a saga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21891001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2kids/pseuds/2kids
Summary: sometimes a family is a toddler, his dad, his best friend and his best friend's dads. sometimes a family is made of three college students, one of their brother and a puppy. sometimes, it's all of them coming together to make a nowhere near perfect family.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten & Qian Kun & Zhong Chen Le, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten & Zhong Chen Le, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Liu Yang Yang/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun, Qian Kun & Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 9
Kudos: 200
Collections: NCT Rarepair Winter Bingo





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> here's my first entry for the nct rarepair bingo fest! second chapter will have a little hint to my next entry, so keep your eyes open :p
> 
> the tile cleared here is _celebration_

“Papa!”

Ten’s barely open eyes jolted wide as he locked his car once the familiar voice screeched somewhere close by. “Hey, fishy!”

The toddler made a beeline for his dad through the door he somehow got open, adorably waddling. Ten crouched down to let the child run right into his arms and once he did, Ten wasted no time on spinning him around to hear those lovely giggles.

Chenle gave a two toothed grin once Ten stopped the movement. “Dad made gingerbread men today!”

“He did?” Ten asked in his most curious voice, already aware of his husband’s christmas tradition. “Did you help?”

“Yes!” Chenle chimed, grin growing wider. “I’m good at cooking.”

“Of course you are.” Ten tucked a strand of hair on top of Chenle’s head on its place, unable to help his smile. “Let’s get you back in, it’s late. Why are you even up? You should’ve been in bed, kiddo.” _Just like Kun, don’t take your dad’s sleeping habits for model please._ The lights of Kun and Ten’s shared room were still blinking through the closed curtains, meaning Kun was still awake working.

All Chenle did was to pout, wrapping his little arms around Ten’s neck as Ten carried him back inside.

Once the smell of Kun’s signature gingerbread recipe filled Ten’s nose, the feeling of _home_ settled into Ten’s chest; warm and comforting. Kun _always_ reminded Ten of it- Kun was Ten’s home. It all came down to that.

Just as Ten had expected, Kun was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t the slightest bother to Ten as he was aware of his husband of five years’ habits. Even before stepping a foot in the house Ten had known the house would be silent except for the TV that played one of Chenle’s favourite cartoons and the buzz from the fridge of theirs that needed a repair- they hadn’t gotten the time to get it done. There would be a tray with meticulously prepared plates covered with napkins on the kitchen counter, a handwritten note- with an admittedly messy writing- next to it if Ten were lucky. That was their little routine, one that followed through every day of their stable life and Ten couldn’t ask for more. 

Chenle yawned beside Ten’s hair, laying his round head against Ten’s shoulder and that was what that yanked him out of the trail of thoughts. A smile invading his lips, Ten tossed his bag onto the couch through the living room’s door with perfect aim and held his son tighter, walking to the stairs on his toes. Chenle was fast asleep before they even arrived at Chenle’s room.

Ten wasn’t able to help his warm smile as he tucked the toddler in his bed, not forgetting to carefully place the dolphin plushie beside him. “Nighty night, little fish,” Ten whispered lovingly. Once he and Kun had taken Chenle to a pool during the unbearable days of summer, Chenle’s love for swimming had been discovered and had created a nickname everyone adored, including Chenle himself.

Moving downstairs, Ten’s eyes caught up on the light gliding under the closed door of their room and even though the idea of checking up on Kun passed through his mind, Ten decided not to. He still hadn’t eaten dinner. Kun had the habit of being almost too invested in Ten’s health, and even after almost 10 years of being together Ten still couldn’t stand the sad puppy look that’d settle in Kun’s eyes whenever he thought Ten wasn’t taking care of himself as much as he should.

As soon as Ten stepped in the kitchen, the plastic boxes settled on the corner of the counter caught his eye- a few too many boxes, that is. This was another part of Kun's routines, the gingerbread men he baked would be put in those boxes. Christmas at the Qian-Li household never included too many people, just the three of them, Kun's brother Yangyang would join whenever he could. A couple of times Yangyang had brought a date along, none of them actually staying to see the next Christmas. Sometimes Kun’s closest friend Sicheng would be there. Looking at the number of boxes now, Ten could figure it was at least three too many for any scenario. Had Chenle grown an enormous love for gingerbread men overnight?

Dismissing the thoughts, Ten picked up the tray where it always had been and sat at the small table at its perpetual place. Not wanting to wake Chenle up or disturb Kun, Ten put his earphones in before playing music on his phone- yet another tradition. Dancer habits never die, especially if you're still teaching people how to.

Ten was climbing the stairs a few minutes later, after having cleaned the kitchen, showered, and brushed his teeth. By this time, he figured, Kun must be done with work and either reading a book or playing the piano quietly. That in mind, Ten gently pushed the door to their room open.

For a second, he couldn't spot Kun. How could he when Kun was hunched over his desk in a position so uncomfortable that Ten winced? Kun had his head rested against the arm he propped against the desk, other hand following along the lines of whatever he was reading.

 _I shouldn't distract him._ Ten's mouth curled downwards. Work was important to Kun, he wouldn't want to bother his husband but the hour was too late for Kun to be still working- tomorrow was Christmas, for god's sake! He deserved to rest. And frankly, Kun was the type of person to never rest unless someone urged him to.

"Special husband delivery for Qian Kun from Li Yongqin," Ten said in a singsong voice as he made a beeline towards the desk, resting his hands on Kun's strong shoulders. "The cargo is unconditional love and support."

"A slot in the cemetery and a shovel to throw soil on me would come in handier," Kun's groan came muffled because his mouth was against the sleeve of his sweater. "I feel like dying."

Ten kneaded the flesh under his hands, being already familiar with where Kun's muscles would be the sorest. "Dramatic, are we?"

"Shut up." Kun propped himself up on his palms and yawned, shaking his head like a puppy to get the hair off his forehead. "This case is draining my will to live."

"As if you ever had any, ever since high school you've always been this dramatic." Ten ran his fingers through Kun's raven curls, chuckling. "About almost everything."

Kun closed his tired eyes, head leaning against Ten's touch. "Yes, but I'm really struggling this time. It would be easier if Sicheng was at the office but Renjun's been sick these few days, I had to send him back. There are too many reports to go through and honest to god my Korean isn't that good."

"What about Xuxi?" Ten of course first thought of Sicheng's brother in law, Xuxi was not just a pediatrician but a polyglot at that- Ten had always been impressed of the boy. "Couldn't he help?"

Kun's dimples popped up as his lips formed a frown. "He was busy too. He had to go to Korea real quick, I think it was something about seeing some old friends? Anyway, all the work is on me… why do I even accept cases from international companies, god damn it!"

Ten squeezed Kun's shoulders. "Love, it's okay, breathe. Maybe get off the desk?"

"I'm not one of your four-year-olds, Tennie," Kun deadpanned though his face was clearly amused- making fun of Ten always calmed him down so fast. "Putting me into the corner for a time out won't work."

"But you're smiling, so I must have done _something_ right, at least."

Kun shook his head. "I always smile when you're here… speaking of, how was work today?"

"The usual," Ten said with a shrug. "It's a preschool, what _can_ happen the worst? Oh wait, one of the kids threw up on another today. And the second kid's mom was pretty much furious because 'her kid's expensive shoes were ruined' while the other kid was still sick. I don't get rich people at all."

"Ask _me._ " Kun rested a hand over the one Ten had on his shoulder. "And dance class?"

"Smooth as ever. All the kids are so talented and it's super easy working with them." Ten didn't even realize he was smiling. “I wouldn’t be this late but my coworkers wanted to stay longer to work on another choreography, so yeah.”

Kun smiled back. "Good to see at least one of us has a nice time at work."

"When do you lawyers even have a good time at work?" Ten tilted his head to flash his husband a knowing grin. "You're always complaining."

"Lies," Kun mumbled.

Ten leaned in, pressing his lips against Kun's forehead and spoke right there. "By the way, are we having an entire army over for Christmas dinner? You never cook that much."

Eyes widening, Kun jolted up in his seat. "I forgot to tell you! Well, Sicheng is going to be here and he's bringing Renjun too."

Ten couldn't help his smile. Kun's best friend's son had always loved Ten and it was mutual, Ten did love all kids but the certain toddler had a special spot in his heart. "Yangyang?"

"Obviously, he can't miss a year of annoying you." Kun snorted a laugh, much to Ten's distaste- Yangyang was a funny guy and Ten did like him, except that their humour often clashed. "He's bringing a friend over."

"A 'friend'?" Ten cocked a brow. "He could just say girlfriend."

"He specifically said friend." Kun seemed thoughtful for a moment. "It's his best friend, anyway, it makes sense. He must’ve told you about Dejun, remember him?"

"The classical music major who sings in a rock band?" Ten chuckled. "You can't forget. Haven't they been friends since middle school or something? Why are we meeting him just now?"

Kun sighed. "As if Yangyang tells me anything. Judging from the way he talks about Dejun… scratch that, it's not my place. Anyway, want to hear something funny?"

Glad that Kun was much more relaxed by this point, Ten nodded. "Hit me."

"So you know Xuxi's brother, Guanheng? He's still at college and doing a PhD at engineering for all I know but Sicheng recently told me he's the drummer of a band with a few friends. Now guess who their vocalist is."

The pieces clicked together in Ten's head awfully quick. "Dejun? No way."

Kun grins at the unbelieving mask Ten has on his face. "Yes. Turns out my brother knows Sicheng's brother-in-law. The world really is small."

"Are Xuxi and Guanheng coming, too?" Ten found himself combing Kun's hair again, it was just a habit.

"Yes, Sicheng said he hasn't seen either of them in long so they're coming too." Kun's eye twitched, he must be thinking of finishing the cooking for all Ten knew.

Ten circles his thumb on Kun's nape. "So we're going to be seven people and two toddlers? Oh man."

"That's a _lot_ of cooking," Kun agreed, shaking his head. "Mind helping me tomorrow?"

"Of course I will, the kitchen is the only place I get to see you anyway." Ten hadn't meant to sound this passive aggressive for certain but it wasn't a lie that he did feel bad about this.

Kun winced, hand sliding off Ten's one down to his lap. "I have lots of work, you know…"

Ten swallowed thickly. "Speaking of, you should go to sleep. It's late."

Reluctant, Kun eyed the pile of paper intimidatingly sitting on the desk. "I really should read through some more."

"No," Ten said firmly, squeezing Kun's shoulder. "Do you seriously think I'm letting you stay up? It's Christmas Eve, Kun!"

Kun tilted his head backwards to look into Ten's eyes- Ten noticed his dark circles for the first time. For how long had they been there? "And that's why _you_ are going to bed. Move."

"I'm not going anywhere without you." Ten might as well be the only person that could rival Kun at being stubborn. "In fact, you know what I'm gonna do?"

Before Kun had the chance to protest, Ten effortlessly threw one leg over Kun's ones to settle on his lap. "There we go. I'm distracting you from work until you give up and come sleep with me."

"You know," Kun said slowly as if to weigh the words on his tongue, eyes glinting mischievously. "That could be interpreted in different ways."

 _There we go._ "Chenle's asleep," Ten reminded with a tiny smirk, hands traveling up and down Kun's arms- similarly, Kun had his own hands holding onto Ten's waist. "And you look like you're going to pass out any second."

"Lies, I…" It would have been more affective if Kun didn't yawn mid-sentence. "...maybe. Maybe I _am_ sleepy."

Ten placed his lips to Kun's cheek, hugging him closer in an effort to get maximum closure. "See? Now please come rest?"

Kun dropped his head down so that his nose could bury in the crook of Ten's cheek. "Fine… I missed you."

Chest warming up to the words, Ten sweetly kissed his husband's temple and lingered there while saying it back. It had been a rough past few weeks where they both were so busy that they barely had the the time or energy to see each other, yet alone spend quality time. Either Kun would come home to find Ten having fallen asleep on the couch while waiting for Kun, carrying him back upstairs carefully; or Ten would come to a partly awake Kun sitting by his desk, not wanting to bother him. Getting to spend at least a few minutes together now was a piece straight off heaven.

Kun, much to Ten's surprise, abruptly stood up while somehow managing to hold Ten up in his arms. "Let's just sleep."

Ten clutched onto Kun's shoulders until Kun sat down on their bed, settling Ten on his lap again. Peppering a few kisses on Kun's cheeks, Ten rolled off his lap and onto the bed, gesturing him to come closer. Kun did so while raising a brow- it was no secret that Ten was a pure little spoon, this wasn't common.

"All good?" Ten asked in a small voice once he managed to get Kun to bury his face in his chest, legs wrapped around Kun's waist.

Kun nodded, an action more alike rubbing his cheek against Ten's chest. "Very good."

Ten smiled contently, brushing Kun’s hair off his forehead. "Okay, now, do I have to say it? Sleep, love."

Kun was silent for a second. "You forgot something though."

"Hm?" Ten wasn't paying attention, frankly. He was also sleepy enough to be half conscious while speaking.

Kun propped himself up on the hand he placed on Ten's other side, leaning up so that their lips could meet. Ten purred as he cupped Kun's cheek, letting Kun continue so sweetly that it made his heart do a few cartwheels.

"You know I can't sleep without my good night kisses," Kun sounded victorious. He settled back into his spot, lips brushing against Ten's chest for a moment again. "I love you, Tennie."

"Have I mentioned you get so much sappier when you're sleepy?" Ten chuckled with warmth blooming in his heart yet again. "I love that."

Kun groaned. "Can't you just say it back instead of making fun of me?"

"Say what?" Ten made his voice as innocent as humanly possible.

"Forget it," Kun said grumpily, closing his eyes. Knowing his knack of getting dramatic, Ten wasn't much worried.

Yet, Ten waited until Kun's breathing steadied and his face relaxed completely, meaning he was safely asleep, to say what he wanted to. "I love you too."

Ten peacefully fell asleep, a smile on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/wayvrising) ┆ [cc](https://curiouscat.me/wayvrising)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> christmas is supposed to be a time for spending time with family, resting, chilling, not having worries or tiring yourself. unless you have to deal with accepting that you're gay and that you're in love with your best friend– just like in yangyang's case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this chapter took a lot longer than i thought it would but i am pretty satisfied with how it turned out! i took it slow in order to write this properly and give the message i wanted to have, so here i am posting a christmas fic two months after christmas. hope you enjoy!
> 
> trigger warnings for: internalized homophobia, mental breakdown, discussion of a dead loved one

Even though winter was no time for a road trip, Yangyang found himself oddly enjoying the time in the car with his friends.

First of all, the weather wasn’t bad enough to affect Yangyang’s driving even though the sides of the road were adorned with snow all over; there wasn’t much traffic either. Guanheng had prepared the currently playing CD filled with songs from bands Yangyang hadn’t even heard the name of but Dejun and Guanheng of course knew all about. Those two sang along religiously on top of their lungs while Yangyang tapped his fingers against the wheel to the rhythm, eyes fixed on the road. Perks of being friends with the members of a band.

It very much had to do with the fact that Yangyang adored watching Dejun sing. His passion for singing, music in general, was no secret and even then you couldn’t guess how big until you saw Dejun performing. It was simply unmatched. He had a voice on the deeper side, sharp and silvery, yet it was among the softest ones Yangyang had heard. Or, that was just what he thought.

“Hey, Yangyang,” Guanheng called out from the backseat at some point. “You haven’t even opened your mouth in a while.”

Yangyang shortly glared at Guanheng from the rear mirror. “Yeah? It’s called focusing on your driving. You should try it someday.”

Guanheng sighed with a shake of his head. “It’s 11 pm. I was worried about you getting sleepy and was gonna ask if I should take your place, but you’re clearly awake.”

“Perfectly awake.” Yangyang again focused on the road.

Dejun spoke this time. “Don’t worry, he drank an impressive amount of coffee before we left. There’s no chance he falls asleep.”

“Because even if I don’t drive, I’ll have to show you two the road since neither of you know my brother’s house,” Yangyang stated in a dry voice. “I _have_ to stay up.”

Dejun chuckled, the sound sending sparks flying down Yangyang’s stomach‐ _not the damn time_. “Poor you. You’ll spend the whole Christmas sleeping.”

Guanheng laughed. “Maybe we should put him under the tree while he does.”

“As whose gift, though?”

Dejun’s question made Guanheng put on a devilish grin. “Yours, I guess?”

Yangyang almost choked on his saliva. _Damn Guanheng and his smartass_. _Damn me for telling him stuff to begin with._

“Wow,” Dejun said slowly, weighing the words on his tongue. “We literally live together, though. I see him every day. There wouldn’t be much of a difference. Your gift, I guess.”

“Oh no, never. I’m not even into guys.” Guanheng pointed at the ball of white fluff sleeping beside him. “I’d rather take Nian Nian. You take Yangyang.”

“Over my dead body, Huang.” Yangyang laughed, shaking his head. “No way you’re taking my child.”

Dejun turned around in his seat to look at Guanheng, raising a brow. “Absolutely not, we’re not giving Nian Nian away. Plus, your point makes no sense‐ Yangyang isn’t into guys either.”

Yangyang’s grip on the wheel tightened until his knuckles turned all pale from the stretch. _Yangyang isn't into guys either._ He wasn’t ready for this conversation. Not here, not now, not when Guanheng was there to witness. Not when Yangyang’s stomach still churned to the thought of accepting himself. Even now, Dejun’s five words had been enough to make bile travel all the way up to his throat.

“But _you_ are. And from the way you two act like a married couple, it’s not so easy to tell he isn’t.” Guanheng sent a wink Yangyang failed to see. “Like… you live together, you’ve known each other for years, you bicker over any small thing and dude, you have a dog.”

Swallowing thickly, Yangyang struggled to keep his mouth shut. He wanted to tell Guanheng that he was wrong, that he was wrong and there was nothing wrong with Yangyang‐ he was straight. He always had been. He wasn’t changing his sexuality after more than twenty years. Yangyang didn’t have a crush on his best friend. Yangyang didn’t think of his best friend when kissing a girl. Yangyang wasn’t head over heels with Dejun.

“Yeah, but we’re best friends. That’s just it.” Dejun’s gaze shifted to Yangyang for a second as he settled back, lips curling down. Yangyang missed it. “And, uhm, that joke can make people uncomfortable, you know?”

Yangyang’s chest warmed up. Dejun, his sweet, sweet Dejun who would always know when Yangyang was upset and would do anything in his power to make him feel better. He knew Yangyang better than Yangyang knew himself.

Guanheng stayed silent for a moment. "Hey, uh, sorry if that was offensive… I was just joking."

"It's fine, it just feels a bit weird because Dejun is my best friend," Yangyang lied through his teeth. "Don't worry."

"I won't do it again, promise." Guanheng sounded so sad that it was impossible to feel bad for him.

Yangyang put his muscles to work by smiling. "Seriously, it's fine."

Guanheng replied by yawning loudly. "I think I'll try to sleep."

“Good idea.” Dejun’s voice came off too awkward. His response was quick, in a hurry, and the slight crack in it didn’t help cover anything up.

Yangyang was too busy swirling in his turmoil of thoughts to notice that, much to Dejun’s relief. His fingers were still gripping onto the wheel for dear life, stomach churning wildly and head spinning. He was in no condition to drive. He knew it, and he couldn’t ask Dejun to take over just yet‐ Yangyang couldn’t explain why his brain made him think he was so sick while he wasn't.

"Yangyang?" Dejun's gentle voice broke off Yangyang's cycle of thoughts, his gaze fixed on Yangyang.

"Yeah?" Yangyang loosened his hands on the wheel, inhaling sharply.

"Want me to take over? You don't look so fine…" Dejun trailed off to the end, eyes landing on his lap.

Knots appeared in Yangyang's throat one by one- was he that obvious? "Thank you, we probably should change."

Dejun fumbled with the seatbelt as Yangyang looked for a safe place to pull over to, both of them avoiding each other as far as it went. A moment later, they had exchanged seats already.

It took another moment for Dejun to wet his lips with the tip of his tongue before speaking up. "You alright?"

Yangyang blinked, he looked no different than a deer caught in headlights. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Your hand."

Swallowing thickly, Yangyang loosened his fist- he hadn't noticed how tight he had balled his hand up. "I'm good."

"Yeah, no, you're not." Dejun exhaled deeply. "I know you're not. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine- just don't lie."

"Sorry." Why had Yangyang even bothered to hide it? Dejun had an astonishing sixth sense when it got to Yangyang, he understood Yangyang's feelings way before even Yangyang did.

Dejun's gaze shifted to Yangyang for a millisecond. "Did Guanheng…?"

Yangyang spun around like a whip to check Guanheng, horrified- thank god the elder was fast asleep. "No! It's not that." _Great lie, me. 2 points for trying._

Dejun's nod was slow. "You sure?"

"Can you just drive and stop interrogating me?" Yangyang's words rushed out of his mouth, hurrying and harsher than he'd meant to. "...wait, I-"

"You're right." A polite reply way too formal for Dejun. "I should just drive…"

Yangyang shut his eyes tightly. _Great work. Now I managed to piss Dejun off too._

"...and you should rest." If Yangyang was to turn around and look at Dejun's face he'd spot a genuine half smile.

"I should." The tension was still thick in the air like the fog at dawn, and Yangyang didn't want to ruin things even more than he already had. "Wake me up if you get the way wrong."

Dejun's crystal clear laughter made Yangyang's poor heart flip in a way it shouldn't have. "Have some faith in me."

"More like in the GPS," chuckled Yangyang.

"As if this piece of programming has more common sense than I do, but whatever." Dejun laughed back, gaze softened at the sight of Yangyang curled up into a ball against the door with his knees against his chest. "Rest well."

What Dejun didn't know was that Yangyang was too good at pretending to be asleep, and that he'd spent the following hours with his mind roaming around Dejun, Dejun, _Dejun_.

And that was the story of how Yangyang found himself sobbing his heart out to his brother and his brother’s husband in the kitchen at 2 am.

“There,” Kun muttered as low as possible- as there were three people asleep upstairs- while placing a cup with steaming tea in front of Yangyang. “That should help you calm down.”

Yangyang’s tongue was laying flat in his mouth. He couldn’t give a verbal reply, ending up nodding weakly. His throat was sore from all the crying, accompanying his reddened dry eyes‐ he hadn’t even drunk enough water today to get started with. He wrapped his fingers around the cup tightly, shoulders shaking once more.

Ten was sitting beside Yangyang, hand resting on the boy’s back to press soothing circles and Kun was at the other side of the table, eyes full of sympathy. Yangyang couldn’t help but think about how well they suited each other. Kun and Ten were soulmates no matter their differences, they knew how to handle each other’s humour and made up for whatever the other one was lacking- they read each other like open books. They were friends before lovers, if nothing. Yangyang had always envied their relationship.

Right now, it was Kun who calmed Yangyang down with his words while Ten was the one giving him physical comfort; they had always been this way.

Only after a few sips it was that Yangyang found the strength to speak up again. “I… I don’t know what to do, Kun… I don’t know if what I’m feeling is right.”

“If it’s right?” Kun raised his brows in a manner that certainly wasn’t intended to look so sarcastic, but it did. “Yangyang, if you’re asking me whether or not liking guys is alright that means we have a lot of other issues to fix first.”

“It’s not that.” Yangyang shut his eyes tightly. “If I actually… actually am gay, wouldn’t I have realized it earlier? I’m twenty. I never liked someone that wasn’t a girl. Why is it happening now? Isn’t it too late?”

Kun’s shoulders slumped in empathy. "It's never too late to start accepting yourself for who you are. I know people in their forties just realizing their sexualities, or people who live and go without ever noticing. It's okay."

 _Easy for you to say._ Yangyang wrapped his arms around his torso in search of any kind of protection, of a wall to build around himself. "I don't know if I'm realizing anything- what if I'm lying to myself? What if I'm not gay and I just think I have a crush on Dejun but I actually don't and if I tell him this before I learn for sure and end up hurting him-"

"-Yangyang, _breathe_." This time it was Ten who spoke in the softest tone possible, rising to his feet in order to hug Yangyang tightly. "I know how it feels, I swear I do."

Yangyang felt the tension in his stomach loosen once he rested his head against Ten's shoulder, Ten's one coming down against his. "You do?"

"We both do." Kun ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. "That's exactly what gay people usually go through; the 'Am I gay? Or am I just imagining things?' phase. I for one know I did. Ten says he did too. I bet Dejun would tell you the same thing. And even if you're not, so what? It's never wrong trying to explore yourself."

Was Kun right? Yangyang chewed on his bottom lip. There wasn't a reason Kun would lie to him, he never would, and through all twenty years of his life Yangyang had never seen an advice from Kun ending up being wrong. Kun was never wrong, he was too smart for that.

Kun leaned forward on the table propped up on his elbows. "You don't need to decide anything just now, you know? Give it time. You'll figure it out soon."

Yangyang nodded. "Thank you. I feel much better." He wasn't _okay_ but it was an improvement compared to before where Yangyang was sure he could explode from frustration any second.

"Good, now finish your tea." Kun laid back in his chair with a triumph smile knowing he had managed to calm down his brother.

Ten let out a hearty chuckle as he loosened his embrace around Yangyang. "Give the kid a break, you."

"Never. What do they even feed you at the dorms? You look so skinny." Kun's nose wrinkled up in a type of worry Yangyang was used to. "You and Dejun both, actually."

"It's called being naturally skinny, we eat a hell lot," Yangyang said with a small smile. "And I don't think _tea_ would magically make me less thin."

Kun replied with a swift shake of his head. "Still, finish your tea."

If Yangyang knew anything, it was that he couldn't rebel against his brother- especially when it came to stuff like this. Naturally, he brought the cup to his lips for a small sip that warmed him up so soon.

"Did you guys hear from Xuxi?" Ten asked after a while as he brought his hands together under his chin, eyes only semi open. Yangyang appreciated the effort at distracting him.

"Yeah, his flight is at 9 tomorrow- today, technically," Yangyang replied, tapping against the cup. "I'll go pick him up after breakfast."

Kun sipped his own tea- it was Ten who had an unspoken hatred for almost anything made of plants. "Why did he even go? It was so sudden."

Yangyang nodded in return. "Yeah, it was. Apparently one of his friends from college and the friend's daughter came to Korea after like 10 years and Xuxi went to see them. He said he hasn't seen them since the girl was a newborn."

"Aw," Ten cooed, head tilting aside as his smile grew wider. "Are we sure he didn't just go to see the kid?"

"Might be?" Yangyang's laugh shook his shoulders. "He does love kids- he might have done that."

Kun pointed at Ten with his chin. "And love, I don't think you're in the position to judge him- you're a preschool teacher."

"Fine." Ten raised his hands in surrender. "I'm guilty. How could I not be one? Kids are amazing."

"Speaking of kids, how is Chenle?" Yangyang asked eagerly- he had missed his nephew, after all.

The way Kun's smile blossomed was a sight to witness. "Great. He's super excited to see you, actually."

Ten snorted a laugh. "Yeah, until he sees Renjun."

"Fair. Renjun comes before anyone," Yangyang laughed. Considering how adorable the said kid was, it would be a lie to deny the truth.

Kun kept quiet for a moment but the thoughts swirling in his head were thick enough to be felt in the air- that until he gave up. "You know what should come before anyone for you?"

"Sleep?" Yangyang knew Kun too well.

"Sleep."

Ten's mouth twitched. "Maybe sleep will b-"

"One more 2013 Tumblr reference and I'm divorcing you," Kun groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You go to sleep, Yangyang."

Kun might be a strict older brother but Yangyang had a few tricks up his sleeve to have the last word. "Fine, I don't want to hear you two after all. You're _loud._ "

Yangyang walked away almost in a hurry, a triumphant smile on his lips as the two men were left too dumbfounded to answer.

Next day was reserved for family.

Sicheng arrived right after breakfast. Yangyang was busy carrying the dishes into the kitchen and the ringing bell caught him off guard- he almost bumped into Dejun. Slight confusion in his eyes, Dejun steadied Yangyang with a firm grip on his arms- cold hands, sweaty. Smaller than most. Yangyang knew them like his own. _You alright? Yeah. You look like you saw a ghost. Sorry, got surprised._

Yangyang brushed it off with ease, headed towards the kitchen with a knot in his throat as Guanheng rushed to the door. Guanheng had always been ecstatic about his nephew and was competing for the best uncle award. Yangyang liked to think he'd win over Guanheng any time, but he wasn't so bad himself.

After Guanheng and Renjun's synchronized excited screams filled the house as they greeted each other, Kun decided it was his duty to call them inside. Sicheng, ever so quiet, walked inside with his small smile plastered on his face- Yangyang would never be able to understand how this introverted man with shiny eyes and gentle words would turn into a fierce defender at court, earning himself the title of one of the best lawyers in the district. He shared that honour with Kun, his childhood best friend.

For as long as Yangyang remembered, Sicheng had been his quiet-unless-necessary self but he hadn't known Sicheng that well before, fair enough. Kun would say that Sicheng used to be so different, so much talkative and cheery but losing the love of his life at childbirth had taken all of that away. Renjun had become Sicheng's reason to live. Today Sicheng was the way Yangyang remembered him but Kun was the person to get him out of his shell, at occasions.

After, it was Xuxi's turn. Before Yangyang could go pick him up from the airport Xuxi arrived at the front door, glasses at the tip of his nose and smile exhausted- result of taking flights with two days in between. Yangyang gave him the tightest hug possible as soon as he spotted the man- Xuxi had always been a dear friend, same humour as Guanheng but much less irritating than his little brother.

Dejun's eyes lit up the moment they walked inside the living room. "Xuxi!"

"Hey, people." Xuxi moved his hand in the air into a swift wave, eager to just go rest. "It's nice seeing everyone."

"You too, brother." Guanheng responded back the same way where he was busy keeping Renjun and Chenle from accidentally hitting each other while playing. Toddlers.

Sicheng placed his mug down. "How was your trip?"

"Great, actually." Xuxi's smile grew more natural as he spoke. "I'd really missed my friend and his daughter. Hana is still the cutest child I've seen- no offense, Renjun and Chenle."

Guanheng laughed heartily as he settled Chenle on his knee, the toddler chiming in joy. "I think you're about to offend them."

Xuxi shook his head, laughing. "I'll make it up later- I just need a twelve hour nap now."

Ten's head peeked out of the kitchen door, eyes wide in wonder. "Hungry? Lunch is ready if you feel like it."

"Nope, plane food might taste terrible but it's enough." This was Xuxi's general self, refusing things with such politeness that seemed unusual on his large frame.

"Okay!" Ten's lips broke into a full grin before he was pulled back into the kitchen, most likely Kun's doing.

That made the entire family. An odd bunch they were, yet it worked no matter how challenging‐ everyone was bound to each other this or that way. It started with Kun and Kun’s husband Ten. Kun’s brother Yangyang, his best friend Dejun, their friend Guanheng and Guanheng’s brother Xuxi. Sicheng, who was Kun’s best friend and the husband of Guanheng and Xuxi’s late sister. A little odd family of seven adults, two toddlers, four dogs.

The thought made Yangyang’s chest warm and giddy as if he’d swallowed pure sunlight on its own, a rare sight for mid-winter.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dejun’s gentle voice was the one to pull Yangyang out of his mental keep and his hand was what slid a mug filled with coffee in front of him. Yangyang was, if nothing, a shameless coffee addict; thankfully Dejun knew just how Yangyang liked it. 

Yangyang couldn’t keep his mouth from curling upwards. “My thoughts are more expensive than a penny.”

Dejun’s laugh couldn’t be kept back either. “So you aren’t as sad as you looked, you’re just as annoying as usual.”

“Boo,” Yangyang replied in a childish manner that managed to get another light as air chuckle out of Dejun, as _always_. “I’m not sad, I was just thinking… if you say you’re surprised I can think‐” 

“Do I look like Guanheng from there?” Dejun raised his brows, a dramatic disbelief settled into his bright eyes.

Shrugging, Yangyang pointed his chin towards the other side of the room. “Nah, you don’t have half of his children skills.”

“I’m a child myself.” Dejun’s smile grew as he watched Guanheng entertaining the two kids. “He’s so good at it.”

“I beg to differ.” Yangyang nudged Dejun with his elbow. “Chenle fell asleep while in my arms. Ten was devastated‐ Kun said Chenle never sleeps while someone is holding him.”

Dejun’s smile had the smallest fleck of an emotion Yangyang couldn’t decipher, he didn’t even have the time to do so as the said emotion disappeared in the blink of an eye. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you were just as good with kids.”

Yangyang didn’t get it. He was dumb enough as it is and being around Dejun didn’t seem to help, Yangyang had been heaving ever since Dejun sat next to him. “Why?”

“You’re just so easy to be around.” Dejun failed at trying to look like it was no big deal, not that Yangyang noticed. “I don’t know how to explain. You’re… warm, for the lack of a better word. Kind of like coming back in from cold weather and sipping a hot chocolate‐ you know how it warms you up from the inside...”

 _You really have your way with words,_ Yangyang wanted to say, if not for the knot blocking his throat. _What would I expect from a lyricist? He’s always been good with words. And he looks so beautiful…_

Yangyang swallowed thickly as the last words creeped into his train of thoughts. It was okay. It must be okay for Yangyang to be in his early twenties and realize he likes guys just now. Right? There was nothing wrong with this… God, why couldn’t he be like Dejun? Dejun would always say that he’d known he liked guys for his whole life, he hadn’t questioned it‐ if Yangyang were a bit like him, this would have been much easier. Yangyang wouldn’t have to feel so awful for learning that there was so much love in his chest that he couldn’t limit it. But there he was. Stomach twisting and hands balled up in fists, angry at no other than himself.

“...that’s pretty much it.” Dejun turned around to look at Yangyang’s reaction, heart sinking as soon as he did. “You okay?”

Yangyang’s head jerked up and he nodded like a robot. “Yeah, great. Just spaced out.”

Dejun’s gaze shifted to the hands he kept on his lap. “I’m not stupid. I can tell you’re hiding something from me.”

“You know I told you I can’t‐”

“‐and it’s something about me,” said Dejun in a voice too dry, too cleansed of emotion. “I know it.”

Guilt spread into Yangyang’s chest. “Dejun…”

Dejun shook his head swiftly, almost rushing to stand up. “I should probably give you some space.”

 _Wait._ “Dejun, wait‐”

But Dejun was too fast when he wanted to and Yangyang was way too clumsy to not trip over his own feet as he tried to catch up. The universe had a thing for always making things go against Yangyang’s heart, and this was no different. That, and Yangyang had fucked up again.

Just before dinner time, Yangyang was certain he didn't want to get out of his room.

Kun would definitely kill him if Yangyang even dared to bring up eating in his room but he could pretend to be sick- anything after that embarrassment earlier today. Yangyang had no idea what but Dejun knew something, and that was enough to convince Yangyang to lock himself up until it was time to leave. It was also stupid, he and Dejun were roommates and would be stuck in the same small space after they went back, it would be harder to hide. Yangyang was confident he'd gain the courage until then, but… not now.

Nian Nian jumped onto the bed, landing over Yangyang's legs. She wasn't as small as before but that didn't stop her from acting like a puppy still.

"Hey, girl." Yangyang stuck his arm out of the blanket to scratch Nian Nian's ears lazily. "Came to pity me?"

Nian Nian tilted her head aside, bumping her snout in Yangyang's palm once, twice. That was her polite way of saying _shut the fuck up dad, you're stupid._

Yangyang chuckled from deep in his throat. "Thank you, I know. At least you can accompany me in my eternal state of embarrassment in utter darkness."

He could swear Nian Nian was calling him a dumb emo child, but he couldn't prove it.

"I'm just…" Yangyang swallowed thickly. "I can't face Dejun right now. Not that I think he'll judge me for this but if I tell him that I like him, and it isn't mutual it'll ruin our friendship. I can't lose him…"

"Then you should talk to him," said a voice behind the door and Yangyang almost kicked Nian Nian off the bed in panic. Mumbling an apology to the poor dog, he rolled out of the blankets to open it.

"Ah… hi Sicheng." Yangyang shut his eyes tightly- his face was burning like the deepest pit of hell.

Sicheng's gentle gaze examined Yangyang's stance from head to toe. "Hi there."

"How much did you hear?" Yangyang warily opened his eyes again, still too scared to look at Sicheng in the eyes.

"Of you talking to your puppy? Enough," chuckled Sicheng. "Can I come in?"

Yangyang nodded, gesturing Sicheng to take a seat.

Once Sicheng was settled on the couch and Yangyang was sitting on the bed with his knees pulled to his chest, Sicheng spoke up quietly. "So I take it that you like Dejun, right?"

Yangyang's nod was in slow motion this time. "I do."

Sicheng didn't comment on the fact that Yangyang wasn't straight like everyone thought. "And you're not telling him."

It wasn't a question. "No."

"You know that'll do you no good, right?" Sicheng directed his gaze at Yangyang, an understanding engraved in it. "Hiding stuff."

A heavy feeling settled in Yangyang's chest. He knew what exactly Sicheng meant. "I know, but it's not that easy."

Sicheng's gaze fell to the ground, his throat bobbing up and down. "I get that. But life isn't as simple as it looks like- most of time, things won't go the way you planned them. Sometimes, you… you'll lose the person you wanted to open your heart to."

"Sicheng…" Yangyang's heart dropped.

"I know, because I went through that myself." Sicheng's voice cracked to the end of the sentence and he collected himself before it worsened. "When I lost _her_ , I… I felt so empty. I had never even thought she wouldn't be there with me in the future, not even for a second and yet, the doctor who let me hold my son for the first time was the one who told me they couldn't save her. I wasn't there. I hated myself for not being there with her at her last moments- I couldn't even bear looking at Renjun. I had Xuxi take care of him for a while, so I had the time to get myself together."

"I'm so sorry, Sicheng." Yangyang would've offered him physical support but Sicheng wasn't one for that. "But at least you had Renjun."

The smile blooming on Sicheng's face was the most genuine one to be ever seen. "I did. Looking at him for the first time in months, seeing that tiny human being wrapped in his blanket staring up to me with the brightest eyes- I knew I was going to live for him."

Yangyang let a wholehearted chuckle out. "And you're doing an amazing job. You're a great dad."

"Thanks." Sicheng met Yangyang's gaze again before he stood up to leave. "Do you get me now? Life is… life is so uncertain, you can't know if the person sitting next to you will be there a minute later. That doesn’t always mean them losing their life, you can lose someone in many ways. So please, talk to him."

Yangyang couldn't argue with that. He knew Sicheng was right, he knew it damn well but he just needed courage. Courage had never been one of Yangyang's strong points, he was the type to solve things with wits and didn't need bravery- turned out, he did.

Something poked his arm and Yangyang had to sink his teeth into his lower lip to surpass a scream. It was Nian Nian, obviously, staring up to him with her big bright eyes.

"I know," groaned Yangyang as he sneaked an arm around Nian Nian, settling her on his lap. "I have to talk to him, I know. And I will, stop complaining or you don't get to walk extra tonight."

Nian Nian let out a whine, dropping her head on Yangyang's lap. At least she'd convinced dad, right?

Yangyang did not talk to Dejun.

Now listen, it wasn't his fault- Yangyang had gone downstairs with determination set in his heart, chest puffed and chin up. He was going to talk to Dejun for sure and get rid of this awkward feeling set between them no matter where it led them. But all of that decision had shattered into thousands of little pieces the second Yangyang set his eyes on Dejun who was standing beside the Christmas tree with Chenle settled in his arms. Seeing the guy he was crushing on with a toddler _and_ being so comfortable was too much for Yangyang to handle. It hit him way too suddenly that Yangyang didn’t have the strength to face anyone now.

 _Too much to handle_ was the correct explanation considering Yangyang had to throw himself into the bathroom, muffling dry sobs into his palm. It was overwhelming. _Everything_ was overwhelming, being in the same house as so many people he knew and having almost nowhere to hide and a good portion of them knowing what Yangyang was struggling with. By this point, it was really only Dejun and Guanheng who were oblivious- that assuming Xuxi hadn't blurted anything out to his brother. And Xuxi sucked at keeping his mouth shut.

Yangyang couldn't cry, at least not at this moment but it wasn't any less awful to sit on the toilet with one arm hugging himself and the other hand covering his mouth for dear life. His shoulders kept shaking with the sharp, broken sounds escaping through his throat. When he managed to open his eyes his vision was all black because of how tight he had shut his eyes.

 _This is so dumb._ This was the lowest point of his and it was worth nothing. Hadn't Yangyang known the truth about himself? He'd known it was going to lead here when he was a high school sophomore and the sight of his basketball teammates changing at the locker rooms would make him blush. He'd known it when a bright spark would keep shocking his whole body whenever Dejun touched his hand. He'd _always_ known. He just couldn't bring himself to accept it, not even when making out with the prettiest girl at the party would make him feel so empty that Yangyang would run away in an instant.

Inhaling deeply, Yangyang felt like he had brought air into his lungs for the first time in his life- _I'm gay._ Saying that sentence for the second time within a weak whisper and out loud confidently a third, he was reborn. It was ridiculous how easy it had been actually accepting it after dismissing the truth out of sheer fear for years. It sure was a funny moment from an outsider point of view, not that Yangyang would realize it until months later.

Now to address the elephant in the room… Yangyang accepting his sexuality and the fact that he was head over heels with Dejun was one thing, finding out if Dejun liked him back was another. It should have been the last thing on Yangyang's mind after having a breakdown over his own identity, but Yangyang was a dumb boy in love with one thing- one person- in his mind. So be it.

Working on reflex rather than anything else, Yangyang got to his feet and washed his face with cold water that was too alike stabbing his skin with tiny ice shards, but it did refresh him. Yangyang combed his fingers through his hair to ensure it wasn't too messed up, locking eyes with his reflection- he could do this.

When he opened the door, Kun was there.

"Dinner's ready." Kun's perceptive gaze went over Yangyang, worry tinted in it no matter how calm his voice was. "You were in there for so long… is everything okay?"

Yangyang nodded, curling his lips into a bright smile. "I am. I'm good now- everything is."

Yangyang didn't say it but Kun didn't need to hear it in order to understand, locking eyes once was enough. They were brothers, after all.

Kun's next move was what caught Yangyang off guard; he wrapped his arms around Yangyang to bring him into a tight embrace. "I'm so proud of you," Kun whispered, chest rising with a sigh.

And there Yangyang went, tears welling up into his eyes again. Kun hugged people that weren't Ten so rarely but it was always amazing, Kun's warm and firm hugs were worth the world. Yangyang sank into the hug with ease. Kun smelled of old paper, homemade food and home… well, and of baby powder kind of.

Kun ruffled Yangyang's hair, dimples popping up as he smiled. "Let's just get dinner now."

"Yes, I'm starving," Yangyang whined childishly. If he couldn't be childish with his brother, then with whom could he?

Yangyang did hide half behind Kun as they headed inside. Kun gave him a brief nudge on the back before sitting down and Yangyang didn't get why until he realized the only empty chair was the one between Dejun and Guanheng. Judging by the sneaky smile Guanheng shared with Xuxi, it was on purpose too. _Very useful friends, really._

Dejun kept his eyes fixed on his plate as Yangyang took his seat, hands folded over his lap protectively. Yangyang understood he was still hurt, how couldn't he be? Yangyang had never hidden anything from him, not even when it was something that would hurt or anger Dejun. Refusing to tell something wasn't Yangyang's thing to do, ever, and Dejun did have the right to be mad. Yangyang just had to figure out how to fix this.

It didn't help that everyone on the table was aware of the situation. Between trying to eat and pulling Renjun back from throwing rice at Chenle, Sicheng found the time to nod at Yangyang. Xuxi could not sit still, he acted like he was on a sugar coma and Guanheng was grinning from ear to ear. It was astonishing that Dejun didn't notice them.

Yangyang kept practicing his speech in his head all the way throughout dinner. He was never one good with words and in order to deliver a coherent speech he needed to go over it multiple times. Dejun sitting right beside him was a great distraction, too. Keep it together, you.

"I can keep the kids busy if you want," Dejun blurted out of nowhere, head perking up. "I'm done eating."

Kun seemed like he was about to protest until Ten kicked him under the table, _gently_. "Good idea." It was for Sicheng's sake more than anything. Chenle was calm during meals but Renjun was a different story, and Sicheng did need a breather.

"Thank you," said Sicheng wholeheartedly as he let Dejun pick Renjun up, Yangyang thought Sicheng looked like he could cry any second.

Dejun settled the kid in his arms, smiling- spare Yangyang's poor little gay heart and its domestic needs. "No problem! Chenle, wanna tag along?"

"Yes!" Chenle pushed Kun's arm away so quickly that a hurt expression flashed over Kun's face. Ten smiled at him, patting Kun's hand.

"Alright, let's see what's on the TV!" Dejun chimed, heading towards the door. This time, Yangyang didn't miss the short gaze he stole from Yangyang, throat bobbing up and down.

The room was silent until Dejun walked far away enough. "So, you just kind of fucked up your only chance," Ten stated casually.

Sicheng's eye twitched at the curse. "He didn't, you're just pessimistic."

"For a reason." Ten fixed his stare on Yangyang. "You need to go talk to him, now."

To say Yangyang looked like a fish right now- eyes wide, mouth gaping open- would be an understatement. "I…"

"I hate to say it but he's got a point." Xuxi folded his arms over his chest, lips pressed into a line. "You waited for long enough."

Guanheng nodded like an excited puppy, shoving his elbow into Yangyang's ribs- _ouch._ "I don't want to be stuck in between the two of you fighting!"

Yangyang smacked Guanheng's hand away, reluctantly rubbing his side. "I'm sure you broke something there, you asshole."

"Stop changing the subject!" Guanheng clapped his hands. "Just go already."

"I have a feeling that if I don't, Kun's gonna grab me by the neck and drag me outside." Yangyang dug his heels into the carpet to push his chair back and stood up with a sigh.

Judging by Kun's smile, nothing was impossible.

"Good luck, don't mess up!" This was the peak of Guanheng's support could ever be.

Yangyang barely resisted the urge to go hide in his room as he forced himself to walk inside, heart hammering against his ribs. Why was it harder to face Dejun than to face himself?

There Dejun was, sitting with his knees pulled to his chest beside the tree and one of Ten's dogs, Cherry, pawing at his arms- neither of the kids was there. Dejun had his eyes on Cherry, an emotion Yangyang couldn't decipher set in them.

To think of it, Yangyang wouldn't mind watching Dejun like this for the rest of his life- not the creepy way. It was just that the warm feeling the sight of Dejun spread into his chest was addictive and there was no way for Yangyang to get tired of it.

"Are you gonna stand there all night?" Dejun lifted his chin up to turn his gaze onto Yangyang, jaw clenched tight. "The kids are gone, by the way. Renjun wanted to paint and Chenle's taking a nap."

All air left Yangyang's lungs. "No, I- I just…"

"I don't bite," said Dejun shortly.

Cursing at himself mentally, Yangyang walked to drop himself onto the ground beside Dejun despite his entire body screaming no. The small space between them made Yangyang's head spin- he wanted nothing more than reaching to place his hand on Dejun's colder one.

Dejun stared into nothing, hand clenched around the hem of his hoodie. He was eager not to be the one to say the first word again and Yangyang was too scared to do it. Yet, someone had to.

"Dejun… I'm sorry." Yangyang exhaled shakily he spoke. "It's not my thing to hide stuff from you but this time I didn't have a choice."

Dejun _finally_ looked at Yangyang but it would be more wholesome if it weren't for his brows rising. "Did you commit a crime I'm not aware of?"

"No." A chuckle escaped Yangyang's throat. "It isn't that simple. Just know that I'm sorry."

"And I'm sorry for overreacting…" Dejun's lower lip stuck out, it was his habit for times like this. "I know it really hurt you."

Yangyang nudged Dejun's arm with his elbow, smile spreading wider. "Are we okay now?"

"Obviously," chimed Dejun, leaning his head against Yangyang's arm for a split second. "And just so you know, you don't have to tell me the thing if you don't want to."

Yangyang had to collect his breath after that short of a touch. "I want to."

Dejun kept silent, again resting against Yangyang's shoulder- this time, he stayed there. The scent of Dejun's shampoo spinning his head, Yangyang cleared his throat. "I just don't know how to."

"It can't be that hard." Dejun seemed not to notice what he was doing, judging by how he sneaked his hand over Yangyang's one and left it there. "Just go on?"

 _Easy for you._ Dejun wasn't the one who was about to faint because his crush was holding his hand, after all. That was Yangyang's poor, poor self breathing heavily as if he had just gotten out of deep waters. There was no delaying. Not at this point.

Yangyang clenched his free hand around the hem of his sweater, screwing his eyes shut. Words swirled in like a tornado let loose, clashing and exploding and making no sense- all the words he had set together with the most care had vaporized into thin air. But after all, didn't it all come down to- " _I like you!_ "

Time stopped right then.

 _Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god-_ "Wait, I didn't-" Yangyang could swear he heard Dejun's heart skip one single beat.

"You… like me?" Dejun spoke so slowly, words fighting their way out of his lips to be whispered. If it were another time, Yangyang would be mesmerized by how Dejun looked the most beautiful right now with his lips parted, stars trapped in his eyes. Knowing he was shocked because of Yangyang shoved all that aside.

Yangyang buried his face in his free hand- he didn't have the strength to let Dejun's hand go yet. "I'm sorry, I-"

"-Since when?" Dejun turned around to face Yangyang within a heartbeat, leaning in to see Yangyang up close. "Just… just tell me."

 _I fucked this up._ "I don't know! I've always been so amazed by you. I thought it was just the, you know, 'hey, my best friend is great' type of being impressed. But… you don't look at your best friend and think about how much you want to kiss them- that sounded so creepy, oh god."

Dejun was quiet for a second before his lips twitched into a small, shy smile. "I definitely do, so…"

One. Two. Three. "What?"

Dejun lifted his chin up, cheeks reddening under Yangyang's surprised stare. "I do. I mean, think about kissing you too. If that's not weird or anything."

Four. Five. Six. "Dejun, I… I don't get it. You're saying…"

"...that I like you too?" Dejun couldn't face Yangyang again, lowering his gaze. "Yeah, I am."

Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten seconds, and something clicked in Yangyang's head. "You- Dejun! You like me too!"

Dejun watched Yangyang's eyes widen as the puzzle pieces fit together in his head. God, wasn't he just so adorable? "Took us long enough, didn't it?"

"Since when did you know?" Yangyang's grip on Dejun's hand tightened, thumb dancing along his knuckles. "I can't believe this, I just… can't." It was as if a balloon was placed inside Yangyang and filled with the purest happiness there was, if you added even the tiniest bit more he'd explode.

Dejun inhaled deeply to buy some time for ordering his thoughts. "I think… ever since I met you. You've always been more than a friend for me, it's just that you were straight and I was too scared to lose you completely. And it took me long enough to accept that I liked you."

The _you were straight_ part impaled Yangyang with the pain of a rusty steel. "All that time was for me to accept that I wasn't straight. I don't know if I actually like girls too or if I just forced myself to believe that I did, but I know I like boys for good now- one boy, for sure."

Dejun wasn't sure if it was humanly possible to go redder than he already was, but his cheeks were trying. "You have all the time to figure it out. Understanding your identity, who you are… these things take time. Don't burden yourself."

"Kun told me that too." Yangyang smiled with warmth blooming in his chest. "Thank you, though… it means so much. This is all so new to me. Half an hour ago I was having a breakdown in the bathroom over this."

"Oh, the infamous bathroom breakdown. Next step is cutting your own hair in the said bathroom, so beware." Dejun's hearty chuckle washed Yangyang over like a tide. "That's why I had that ugly haircut in 10th grade."

Yangyang threw his head back with a laugh. "If I ever get near a scissors, slap my hand away."

"Gladly. Your hair is so pretty this way." Dejun reached over to touch Yangyang's face, only to hesitate and freeze midair. It was Yangyang who pressed his warm cheek into Dejun's admittedly sweaty palm. "Jokes aside… Yangyang, I'm so proud of you."

Words could not explain the amount of joy that filled Yangyang upon hearing that. "You are?"

"Yes." Dejun traced his thumb along Yangyang's cheekbone with the softest smile on his lips. "You were so brave for facing that. I'm so proud of you for accepting yourself."

"It means so much," whispered Yangyang, rubbing his cheek back against Dejun's hand like a cat. "Thank you, really. This is all so new to me."

Dejun nodded sympathetically. "I get that. I'm ready to take it slow and give you some space to breathe. It can get overwhelming."

Yangyang couldn't help grinning. "I'm so lucky to have you."

Dejun mirrored the smile right back. "That you are."

Yangyang let his eyes close again, tilting his head back and breathing deeply- this was the first real breath he'd taken in so long. When Yangyang opened his eyes, there was something over them that definitely was a twist of fate.

Catching Yangyang's gaze, Dejun looked up too. "A mistletoe. Wow. That's surprising now."

"Yeah," mumbled Yangyang remembering Ten bringing home a few of those and Xuxi grinning widely as he helped hang them. A joke, really. The said fate was a six feet tall Thai-Chinese man by the name Huang Xuxi. "I should've figured."

Dejun's bottom lip curled forward as he kept staring at the mistletoe. "I know it's tradition and all but I said we'd take it slow. We don't have to… you know… just because we're under the mistletoe…"

"Dejun, don't tell me you got too shy to use the word 'kiss'." Yangyang barely held back a laugh.

"I'm shy, you know that!" Dejun buried his face in Yangyang's shoulder, mumbling something against his hoodie. Yangyang didn't have to look to know he was blushing.

Yangyang placed his hand on the curve of Dejun's waist- it felt so natural. "I mean… I want to, if that's fine with you."

"You want to-" Dejun jolted up straight, mouth gaping open. "You want to…"

"...kiss? Yeah." It shouldn't have been this hard to say. "I don't feel anything bad about it, so… is that okay?"

Dejun nodded, maybe a little too eagerly- god be damned if Yangyang cared. "Of course it is."

Yangyang's head spun no different than it would be if he were on a spaceship swinging around the universe as he rested a shaky hand on Dejun's cheek- he was so warm. So warm like he had stolen all of the sun to himself and absorbed it. Yangyang stayed like that, not daring to move and gazed into Dejun's eyes; those bright eyes Yangyang had fallen deep into ages ago. What say did he have in this, if fate had pulled the strings around enough to weave them into this perfect little moment? None.

Getting closer to Dejun felt like centuries rather than seconds because of how fast Yangyang's heart hammered in his chest. Yet, once their lips were an inch away from each other Yangyang could swear not a single second had passed. He inhaled deeply, the air leaving his lungs in pieces, all for courage.

Before Yangyang could work the said courage Dejun closed the distance between them, thankfully.

A spark danced in the minuscule space between their lips after the first touch, traveling down Yangyang's spine a second later. Dejun didn't dare move other than latching his hands onto Yangyang's hoodie with a death grip, heaving. Yangyang broke apart first, filling his lungs with the much needed air and let his forehead rest against Dejun's one. It was almost embarrassing that such a small kiss could steal his breath so easily.

Staying close like that, lips parted, didn't help either of them. That must be why Yangyang didn't wait for longer than a few seconds before pulling Dejun into another kiss. This time it was less breath-taking and more home like- that was what Dejun was to Yangyang, _home_. Kissing him felt just like home.

Yangyang took Dejun into his arms with ease, bringing him closer until their legs brushed against each other. Dejun was warm, just so warm. That was all Yangyang could feel as he slid his lips together with Dejun's ones in sync- a white hot fire spreading into his body. Dejun had a hand tangled into the sweaty hair at Yangyang's nape a moment later, desperate to pull him closer. It would have been an impressive kiss if Yangyang had any idea what he was doing, but now he was just anxious about doing this right. Though if Dejun reacted this way, it couldn't be too bad.

Gaining confidence soon enough, Yangyang pressed his lips against Dejun's smoothly. How could he have held back from doing this earlier? If Yangyang had the briefest idea how amazing kissing Dejun was, he would have done it ages ago. Luckily, they would have so many more of these in the future.

They would gladly keep on going for longer if it weren't for the distinct sound of shoes hitting the tile floor. _Ten and his damned pink slippers._

"Don't bother, I'm just here to grab my phone," dismissed Ten with a hand gesture as he- and the annoying sound of his slippers- walked across the room to where his phone was charging. He didn't even spare them a gaze.

Yangyang wanted to disappear off the earth right now. "Just get out," he mumbled in frustration. Dejun seemed to feel somewhat similar as he clung onto Yangyang's arm, a peachy pink tinting his cheeks.

Ten dragged his feet towards the door, stopping in his tracks once he remembered something. "By the way, if you two get tired of making out the rest of us will be watching some cheesy holiday movies. Feel free to join."

Neither Yangyang nor Dejun spoke until five seconds after Ten left for sure. "Do you want to go?" Yangyang asked then as he mindlessly reached to fix a strand of Dejun's hair.

"I don't like you enough to sit here for three hours doing nothing," said Dejun with a laugh, giving Yangyang's arm a playful shove. "Sorry."

Yangyang clutched his chest dramatically. "You're breaking my poor heart."

"You don't have any." Dejun let out a wholehearted laugh. "You're a heartless annoying child but I still like you, what does that say about me?"

"First of all, I'm just a year younger, I'm no child!" Yangyang knew he did come off childish but who cared? Certainly not him. It was easy being childish around Dejun. "And I'm not annoying, _you_ are."

Dejun's brows arched. " _I_ am annoying? To hell with that!"

Yangyang was about to bite back before he saw the ridiculously dramatic expression Dejun wore, causing him to break into uncontrollable laughter. "This… this is what Guanheng meant when he said we bicker like an old couple."

"...wait, he's right." Dejun blinked, staring at nothing. "I always thought he just said that because he knew I liked you and wanted to make fun of me."

"He knew?" Yangyang blurted out. "Oh god, I'm gonna kill him. I told Xuxi ages ago! You know that means Guanheng definitely knows too."

Dejun groaned, shaking his head. "This guy… he either wanted to watch us suffer, either wanted us to get together by our own effort and I don't know which one makes him worse."

"Let's get going, I want to strangle Guanheng." Yangyang dusted off his trousers swiftly before jumping to his feet and offered Dejun a hand.

Who was Dejun to reject that? "You're too gentlemanly for a guy who was calling me annoying minutes ago."

"I can always push you into a puddle when we take Nian Nian out." Yangyang's smirk was mischievous, to summarize.

Dejun smacked his shoulder. "Try your luck. Boyfriend or not, I'll kick you for that."

One. Two. Three.

"You called-"

"I did-"

Both of them blinking and trying to put together a coherent sentence, an awkward silence fell. Just because Dejun called Yangyang his boyfriend. Fair enough.

Yangyang sneaked a hand to hold Dejun's one firmly, smiling though not even the biggest of smiles could correctly show the happiness filling him to the brim. Neither could Dejun hold back from grinning ear to ear. Oh, to be young in love.

Back in the living room, Kun and Ten were the only ones actually paying attention to the movie. Ten had his head propped against Kun's shoulder and his hand in Kun's one, listening to Kun give snarky comments on the movie and speak only to insert his opinion. Neither of them thought it was even okay, but they had fun at least.

Xuxi was sitting on the carpet with Renjun and Chenle, watching over Renjun drawing and Chenle trying to read- he wasn't getting anywhere, but the boy enjoyed it. Guanheng was right beside Xuxi with a notebook settled on his knees, trying to get some lyrics done all while chatting with Sicheng who was eager to learn how Guanheng was doing at college- not well, admittedly- and Guanheng wanted to know _everything_ Renjun did. Talk about being a good uncle.

That was why no one paid attention to Yangyang and Dejun walking hand in hand into the room and quietly settling onto the couch, next to Kun and Ten. Dejun cuddled up to Yangyang's side so naturally that you could think they had the practice of years.

"I've seen this one," said Dejun under his breath, grimacing. "'Terrible' doesn't even come near how bad it is."

"Ten picked it," Yangyang replied with an amused smile. "What did you expect?"

Ten apparently had the hearing of a cat, or so it seemed. "I can hear you, kid."

Yangyang flashed his most innocent smile. "That was the intention."

Ten rolled his eyes almost all the way back into his skull before settling into his place again, earning a pat on the head from Kun. That made things worth it.

Kun locked eyes with Yangyang after a moment, and that was enough for them to communicate. _How did it go? Amazing. Good, I'm proud of you two._

Yangyang remembered the one thing he forgot about this whole holiday only after a few minutes passed. "Hey, Dejun? Merry Christmas."

"I should've listened to Guanheng and put you under the tree as a gift," Dejun chuckled in reply. "I could've claimed you for myself."

"Maybe next year," said Yangyang with a content sigh. "As if you need a reason to claim me."

Dejun poked Yangyang’s cheek. “You say we’ll spend next Christmas together too?”

Yangyang couldn’t help his grin, nodding. “It’s a promise.”

"I'll hold you up to that," was all Dejun said before he leaned against Yangyang, settling in for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew, that was a long one. there are a few easter eggs about a future fic around the chapter but... well. hope you enjoyed ♡
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/wayvrising) ┆ [cc](https://curiouscat.me/wayvrising)


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